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News of the Beer It's February, and we've returned to the Classic Design! The Bitches are gettin' Uppity! Yup, those Bitches. You know who I'm talking about - The Raelians. - 12%Diaryland - FreeBeerLovers - Archives - FAQs - BeerMates = Foxy Bitches! - Buttons! - BeerGarden MessageBoard! - Pitas! - Dland! - XML/RSS Newsfeed I better go lie down. I'm feeling a little out of date right now. Open msm's page in a new window Sunday, February 2, 2003 If Mr. Potato Head was life size, Asian, and had working genitalia this guy seriously could have won a character defamation lawsuit against the toy manufacturers. Open thecritic's page in a new window Sunday, February 2, 2003 I can’t believe that I got drunk and spent thirty dollars on comic books. You can’t imagine how thrilled my wife was to hear that. Open discothekid's page in a new window Saturday, February 1, 2003 Valentine's day is a day set aside for us to express our love to our fellow menz and womynz buy sending them little notes to say "Yo, I think youz pretty damn fucking keen, mutherfucker". Open mangus's page in a new window Saturday, February 1, 2003 I’ve got a serious case of dish pan hands but the stink is gone. I can now go back to picking my nose with out an offensive odor on my fingers. Open thecritic's page in a new window Saturday, February 1, 2003 That's 3 nice things in a row, I'm surprised I didn't fall into a coma. Open rudey's page in a new window Saturday, February 1, 2003 Hey! Hey! HEEYYYYYYYY!! Feed me! Feed me now! No, it's not good enough to just dump the food in, asshole! Pet me while I'm eating! Yes! You must pet me while I bolt my diet cat food and make disgusting chomping sounds! Open sundry's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 I have never run into a Very Public Park Bench Blow Job moment between a man and a woman out on Navy Pier. Open annfrank's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 Oh yes, it was bright and sunny outside but inside the Marnmobile, for the rest of the drive to the gym, It Was A Dark And Stormy Night. Open marn's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 These are the kind of men that find me irresistible. Open msm's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 I am going to lock myself in my tomb-like room with my cheap wine and my laptop and spend the rest of the sunlight writing a story. Open mollyx's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 He later informed me that he was not changing his clothes, but rather was dancing in front of the mirror in his underpants. Open thecritic's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 Not that there's anything wrong with frosting and ice cream merrily sexin' it up in some kind of torrid carton of lust, but you know. When you want fudge swirl, you want fudge swirl. Open mollyx's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 They're like animals. They eat, drink, fuck, drink, fight, fuck some more, and then sit around, smoke a ciggie and whine to one another about their feelings and wonder where all the drama came from. Open mangus's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 okay, modern medicine didn’t have a whole lot to do with it. it was more about me being a gigantic pussy i think. and by pussy i mean a wimpy, little girl vagina. Open tvzero's page in a new window Friday, January 31, 2003 You see a good looking guy carrying a puppy. Your eyes meet. You smile coquettishly. He grins back at you. Open msm's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 Apparently, my boiler was “a fucked up cheap piece of crap,” as one of the firemen put it. Open discothekid's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 Hey there, cute painter boy. That’s right, roll that paint up the stairwell, baby. Open jamiestar's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 My bowels... well, they weren't right. I was hit by a bus after all, my damn bowels are going to be affected, thank you muchly. Open cuppajoe's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 I remember way more than I thought I did considering I was always eating Mexican Valium before class. Open mollyx's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 The claws will come off right after his little fuzzy boy cat nuts are snipped. It will be a life altering day for the both of us. Open mangus's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 Who knows, I’m a guy so I’m also picturing them clad in skimpy pink teddies and having a make-out competition when all is done and over with. Open thecritic's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 This was the kind of sick you would get as a kid, where everything is surreal and you float in and out of consciousness. This was Pink Floyd sick. Open weetabix's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 I was all over that stupid elliptical machine as if it was Harrison Ford or something. Open marn's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 DO NOT TALK BABY TALK TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN PUBLIC. Open msm's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 The happy ending is that things finally picked up and I was able to get home, hustle the dog to the backyard, and rush madly to the bathroom where angels sang, a beam of light shot down from the heavens, and all was right with the world again. Open sundry's page in a new window Thursday, January 30, 2003 girls expect me to be good in bed for no other reason than i have a large penis Open tvzero's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 And then I was making out with Ice-T in some kind of wooden ship. There were no pirates. Klingons, yes. Pirates, no. Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 First off don't be fooled, that same magical site that causes a tingle in my nether regions (Hey! Don't judge me. You get it where ever you can.) can also be a cruel temptress. Open msm's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 “We will be focusing particularly on sex theory and digits.” Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 What a difference a decade makes. Right now, I gots more friends than I can handle. I’m thinking of letting a few of them go. Open tvzero's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Well a REAL friend WOULD picture geriatric monkey love. Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Sure I'm pumping negative energy like a hooker working it for her next hit - but at least I do it with style. Open msm's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 And when they actually got to the part where they tell you what to do in case of an attack, guess what they said? Stay calm and call 911. Well no fucking shit. Can you flash that number again? Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 This was completely and utterly unnecessary. They were crushing their opponents. This was a random, senseless drive-by touchdown and with it they robbed me of a supper out! Open marn's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Adieu, jobby job. Adieu. I learned much from you, I was given many opportunities and for that I am thankful. So sorry that we must depart on such terms. Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 That night, my conscience was somewhere in Miami, sucking down Jello shots while booty dancing to Barry Manilow. Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 “This is to all the Jesus-loving brothas in da hiz-ouse! I gotta bible and I don’t know what to do!” Open jamiestar's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 The movie ended, and it was way too bright outside. It should have been dark by now. Open fadein's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 if i get any smart "your mom" jokes, save it. i will kick your fucking ass. Open anniewaits's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 We both just stood there with tears in our eyes, nodding, knowing in an instant everything that had been lost. Open weetabix's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I had three of those wiener drawings lined up, ripe for the posting. If I hadn’t dillydallied so long, he’d be littered with them. Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 For the love of God can't a woman get a little down time with Jason Morgan?! Open msm's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I waited until they got rid of that "Dude get a Dell" guy. I hated him so much. J wanted to have sex with him just so he could do things to the Dell guy that would make him cry. J is so wicked sometimes. Open mangus's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I trust there was much grunting. Open fadein's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I’ve already got the bitter crankiness to become an expert curmudgeon in my Golden Years… all I have to do is wait for my body to catch up with my personality. Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I can't be sure Dog would actually protect me, but I would definitely hear the thumping of her tail as she joyfully greeted the nice masked gunman. Open sundry's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 "See, Tampa? We told you there was a god. Go, Bucs!" Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 He said that Everyone Knows that the minute a bad guy jumps on a member of the Star Trek Cast Who Has A Name, then the bad guy is toast because The Good Guys Always Win at the Fisticuffs. Open marn's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Right now I’m eating Easy Mac that tastes exactly like Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men. Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 I'm like a chain-smoking and less coiffed Martha Stewart. Who curses a lot at vegetables. Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 My god. You're tripping along in your early twenties when you can still drink 8 kamakazes and not wake up clawing out your brain, you blink - and BAM, you're almost thirty, domesticated, 10 pounds heavier but none the wiser. Open sundry's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 First you have those who hover without lifting the seat (and since aiming is tricky for a woman at the best of times, these are the people I consider the Jackson Pollocks of the female urination world since they tend to spatter everywhere, including on the seat and floor). Open marn's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 My-Mom-Pees-Off-The-Backs-Of-Boats-While-I-Video-Tape-it Ltd. Open mangus's page in a new window Wednesday, January 29, 2003 You can now "Syndicate" 12% by using our new RSS NewsFeed! This brings 12% updates directly to your desktop through a small piece of "newsfeed" software available through sites such as FeedReader or Headline News! (Both are free!) 12% on your desktop! Imagine the unfettered MonkeyLove! IF THIS CONFUSES YOU, AS IT DID THE 12% MONKEYS, WE WILL HELP YOU SET THIS UP! LEAVE A MESSAGE ON THE GUESTBOOK (ON LEFT) OR EMAIL US AND WE'LL HOOK YOU UP! Blogroll 12%! MonkeyLovers Who Have BlogRolled 12%: 12% FAQs! What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing? 12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland. Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp? I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks... What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party? The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too. Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates. If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do? Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page. Why is it called "12% Beer"? It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol. It's really 10%, everyone knows that! We Love "Andy The Randy"s Coolest Website On Earth!