AdWhore AnnFrank BienSoul CuppaJoe DiscoTheKid FadeIn Halee JamieStar JWalker LadeeLeroy LeeboZeebo Mangus Marn MollyX Motherlode Ms-M Rudey Saint-Louise Skim Sundry TheCritic TVZero Weetabix

Queer Eye For The Disco Guy! (discuss!) BEERGEAR! Buy This Shit Right Now! (discuss!) Support DLAND ($0.08/day) - Buy a GOLD MEMBERSHIP! Know when 12% Updates! DiaryLand/LiveJournal/XML NewsFeed More Buttons! 12% BeerHall Of Fame 12% Buttons! FreeBeerLovers Archives FAQs 12% BeerGarden: A Forum Of MonkeyLove He's a fun guy and cute and all, and had he not been hitched, I'd say that I would have dragged him out on the porch and had my way with him long ago. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Sunday, August 10, 2003 The fact that I was able to hold this woman's attention for as long as I did at least convinced me that I'm still charming and cute, in a dorky sort of way. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Sunday, August 10, 2003 And yet my legs are golden and my arms are brown and my back is a ridiculous white/tan/brown configuration of the straps on my various swimsuits. And the parts which are always covered are this deathly fishbelly white. I have a neopoli-tan. Tres chic. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Sunday, August 10, 2003 Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Sunday, August 10, 2003 No, my wedding was not held at a strip club. Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Sunday, August 10, 2003 Hey, look it’s a sale! You can dress like a prostitute for 50% less now. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Sunday, August 10, 2003 Keeping up with political news is a full-time job and one that could threaten all my Emmy award and new TV season following time. Open tvzero's page in a new window view an illustration of tvzero! Sunday, August 10, 2003 I can only imagine her horror as she leaned over to sniff the crotch of my underwear only to find that the crotch was completely missing! Kaput! Vamoos! Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Sunday, August 10, 2003 Oh, who am I trying to kid? We are so whipped it's pitiful, really. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Sunday, August 10, 2003 I've been working 50+ hours a week since April and it's really starting to itch my man-boobies. I know it could be worse and I could be pulling twelve hour shifts in a tire plant or pulling twelve inch dicks in the alley behind the tire plant, but it's bad enough for me to complain about and that's all that really matters. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Sunday, August 10, 2003 Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Sunday, August 10, 2003 "This cat is like your mother," I said to the spousal unit. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Sunday, August 10, 2003 "For the love of all that is holy Ms. M, don't fart!!!" Open ms-m's page in a new window view an illustration of ms-m! Saturday, August 9, 2003 It’s been a good morning. Got up way, way early. Drank a lot of coffee. Read the paper. Took a long walk. Said good morning to Senior Citizens in matching track suits. Open ann-frank's page in a new window view an illustration of ann-frank! Saturday, August 9, 2003 Yes I even indulge in the diluted thinking and hair brained schemes that come hand in hand with youth and too much alcohol, but this one pushes the envelop even for me. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Saturday, August 9, 2003 So I used the pen in my pocket knife (I knew that would come in handy some day) to scribble out my name and number on a napkin... Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Saturday, August 9, 2003 So I bit her. I put her shoulder in my mouth and bit down as hard as I could. then she let go. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Saturday, August 9, 2003 hard core, i tell you, hard core. open bar, free food, fucking hired dancers on day glow pillars. man, i ain't been to a party like that since the long lost dot com era. good stuff. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Saturday, August 9, 2003 did you know that the devil twins make over a billion dollars a year? Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Friday, August 8, 2003 The cool thing about being an older woman is that people don't try to dismember you when you accidentally maim them in the gym. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Friday, August 8, 2003 Please, please don't ruin something as sacred as the Dukes of Hazzard! Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Friday, August 8, 2003 Not only is there the danger of a Woman Overboard moment, but if I drop something… well, I’d be dropping a WHALE, people. Open jamiestar's page in a new window view an illustration of jamiestar! Friday, August 8, 2003 Hell hath no fury like a Ms. Molley scorned. Or at the very least, a Ms. Molley anally violated by a thermometer. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Friday, August 8, 2003 Any night that involves nearly being arrested in a Los Angeles subway, simulated oral sex, simulated urination, and simulated homelessness (none of which even had anything to do with the near-arrest), all captured on film, is my idea of a very good time. Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Friday, August 8, 2003 I kept talking to him to see if he might have been injured somewhere I couldn’t see, while the moronic natives around us all tried to be heroes with their cell phones. Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Friday, August 8, 2003 "Mama!! ma pussy's on FIRE!!!" Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Friday, August 8, 2003 A kitten is nuclear strength cuteness. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Friday, August 8, 2003 some high level photgraphers shoot a submissive lady bound and gagged in a car trunk with subtle lighting and voila, the boys call it hot. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Friday, August 8, 2003 i want my regular metal paper clips in small and large. the ones that come in the little rectangular cardboard cartons. not this plastic cylindrical rainbow paper clip nightmare! Open anniewaits's page in a new window view an illustration of anniewaits! Friday, August 8, 2003 "This dog," I said solemnly, "has been known to lick little boys." Three pairs of round eyes looked at me. "But only the bad ones." Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Friday, August 8, 2003 There are times I get the crazy notion that if I could just peel back my skin and clean out my cavities then there would be absolutely nothing to worry about. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Friday, August 8, 2003 It's so freaking stupid. Except for that part, where Beyonce shakes her bootylicious booty. Damn. Baby got back! Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Friday, August 8, 2003 "I remember back in the 80s when we were doing coke off of our desks!" says my boss Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Thursday, August 7, 2003 He loves the shit out of my siblings and will no doubt be interested in me based on that affection. Open rudey's page in a new window view an illustration of rudey! Thursday, August 7, 2003 "I don't know you very well, so I'm not sure if I should say this quite this way," she said. "But we are so fucked." Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Thursday, August 7, 2003 My underwear was so wet after I looked at my hair that I had to go straight home and wring it out. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Thursday, August 7, 2003 Together they would run off into the sun set...or at least have a quickie in the bathroom by the magazine stand in terminal 5. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Thursday, August 7, 2003 I decided to go with a natural Douglas look that wouldn’t seem dirty but still screamed MAKE ME OVER! Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Thursday, August 7, 2003 The last time I was there, everyone was so disgustingly beautiful I thought I was going to go blind from their radiance. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Thursday, August 7, 2003 I always thought that sort of thing was reserved for bored trophy wives. But look at me, shamelessly begging strangers to rub my body. Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Thursday, August 7, 2003 Then I felt all shy for the first time in a while because now I'm single and practically naked in front of this very cute man. AND I forgot to shave my legs this morning! Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Thursday, August 7, 2003 I swear, on some days, it’s a wonder that I don’t just crap my pants. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 Almost wipe out while doing it, making such a loud and dramatic scene that you fall into a cheese display and all the non-English-speaking employees gather around with furrowed brows, muttering concerned phrases in Spanish. Open jamiestar's page in a new window view an illustration of jamiestar! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 i "practiced" very hard this summer by drinking a lot and forsaking any meaningful conversation in favor of shaking a stick around. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow or Friday. Just a little one on my lower back. At first I was going to get one that said, "Porn Queen!" or "Super Fly Mutha Fuckah!" but that made people collapse in fits of hysterics. Open ms-m's page in a new window view an illustration of ms-m! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 Damn, dating someone in Annapolis is inconvenient right now but the sex was hot and I'd like to be forever in touch and chat about stupid pop culture stuff and maybe have sex again and I like you in that brown dress A LOT... Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 The best thing to do right now is to talk about how cool things will be in the future. Like what we'll do when we get our own place, a job that we love, a book deal, a pet pirate, you know. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 does a picture of my boyfriend with a gun turn anyone else on? Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 It's like a case of ultra-light depression. Not Depression 100s. Not Turkish Gold Depression. Just Depression Ultra-Lights... Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window view an illustration of ladeeleroy! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 "This guy had so much spunk in him it's ridiculous." Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 I know, it sounds weird but I swear it doesn't involve nudity, the government or law enforcement in any way. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 I'm REALLY going to need the "kind words of support" (I'm guessing) in about 3 months when I'm sitting in my apartment. All alone. Surrounded by electronic equipment. Listless. Apathetic. Alone. Naked. Curled into the fetal position. Alone. Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 She's been eye ballin' you since you got that damn mullet! Open ms-m's page in a new window view an illustration of ms-m! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 "We Three Kings of Orient Are, trying to smoke a loaded cigar....BOOM!" Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 In those days, everyone was careful to keep their mouths closed to avoid being spotted, or to avoid shining errant light from day glo braces. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Wednesday, August 6, 2003 Give me a pet that will daintily sniff your latest food offering, shoot you a look of pure horror, and then mime burying it as if it was a turd freshly deposited in the kitty litter box. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 THE PRODUCERS OF "QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY" ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE TO INTERVIEW ME FOR THEIR SHOW TOMORROW AFTERNOON!!!! Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 If literary character were real people, I would want to see Professor Umbridge and Madame Defarge duke it out in jell-o. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 And without thinking, I flip on the turn signal. Open jamiestar's page in a new window view an illustration of jamiestar! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 Please, Jesus, don't make it so I can only eat applesauce. I spit at applesauce and all its loved ones. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 If I were to bring a kid into this world right now, I would be too busy and self-absorbed to bother with it. If it can't make, buy or bring me a drink, I'm not interested. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Tuesday, August 5, 2003 Click Here for the 12% Archives, You Sweet-Lookin' MonkeyLover! 12% BeerHall of Fame Former BeerMates Who Went Above & Beyond The Call Of Duty And Made The Ultimate Sacrifice So We Could Practice MonkeyLoving And Not Be Shunned By Society. All Hail The BeerHall Of Famers! AnnieWaits Fu-Fu GoFigure Jeffy KellyK Blogroll 12%! MonkeyLovers Who Have BlogRolled 12%: 12% FAQs! What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing? 12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland. Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp? I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks... What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party? The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too. Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates. If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do? Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page. Why is it called "12% Beer"? It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol. It's really 10%, everyone knows that! We Love "Andy The Randy"s Coolest Website On Earth!