AdWhore AnnFrank BienSoul CuppaJoe DiscoTheKid FadeIn Halee JamieStar JWalker LadeeLeroy LeeboZeebo Mangus Marn MollyX Motherlode Ms-M Rudey Saint-Louise Skim Sundry TheCritic TVZero Weetabix

BEERGEAR! Buy This Shit Right Now! (discuss!) Hitting the Motherlode: 12% Beer Welcomes Tones! Diarist.net Nominations are Open until July 15th! Know when 12% Updates! DiaryLand/LiveJournal/XML NewsFeed More Buttons! 12% BeerHall Of Fame 12% Buttons! FreeBeerLovers Archives FAQs 12% BeerGarden: A Forum Of MonkeyLove We are going to have so much fun. PLUS, I'll have someone to wait in line with me for Hugh Jackman's autograph! Hopefully. I think we're both going to have an Immaculate Conception right there in the middle of the convention! Open jwalker's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Therefore, taking a cue from Andrew himself, I would like to announce: THE FADEIN GOLD MEMBER PROGRAM!!! Open fadein's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Also it's been wonderful listening to his go to the bathroom because it'll be all quiet and then you'll hear this high pitched PuertoRican scream coming from the general area of the bathroom. It's amusing. Open mangus's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 "they invented the hands free phone. uh, if you're doing something that requires both of your hands, chances are you're brain should be in on it too." Open adwhore's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 This has been a public service paid for by TheCritic’s STOP FUCKING REPEATING YOURSELF Campaign. Open thecritic's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 I think that we can all agree that this is not the life they envisaged for themselves back in that sweatshop where they grew up. Open marn's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Yesterday I sent out a message to about 700 thousand people with the word "ya'll" in the subject line. Open halee's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Here is what I learned: Play with knives, steal drinks from beer bottles when no one is looking, and smear ketchup on anyone who tells you no. Then laugh. Loudly. I think that is a pretty solid credo for which to live your life. Open mollyx's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 I said "yes" to almost every project that was offered. If I said "no" that would mean that I was less than perfect, right? Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Luke would then know that it wasn’t his fault that his father was a cosmic bastard with anger issues directly related to his intergalactic slut of a mom. Open discothekid's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Johnny Depp in Eyeliner vs. Zombie Pirates is fucking DEEP and has more layers than a large onion. Open mollyx's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 I think my eyebrows have fused together in the middle of my forehead. My stress crevice wrinkle has become a faultline and I fear the tectonic plates may shift and move and my ear will be where my nose should be. Open weetabix's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 At one point, I was struck by the ridiculousness of the whole enterprise, and I started laughing so hard that all the beer bubbles emitted from my ass. Open biensoul's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 After Stanky Dude left the train, Jeannee let out her breath, gasping, and exclaimed, "HE SMELLED LIKE A BAG OF ONIONS MIXED WITH POOP! I wasn't sure I was going to make it." Open motherlode's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 They all tickle my smarty bone. And if they wanted, they could tickle some other bones. It's whatever the lady wants. Lee doesn't force anything. He's there to fulfill your needs - day, night, leap year, whatever. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 I slept till noon today and woke up to ryan watching the Golden Girls. I love the sound of Bea Aurthur in the morning. Open mangus's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 I bet I’d taste damn fine dipped in butter. Open thecritic's page in a new window Friday, July 11, 2003 Open sundry's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 It didn't help that one of the boys sported a painfully obvious bleached platinum buzzcut which prompted Husband Brad to christen him "Sisqo" upon entrance. Open biensoul's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 Men can stay friends even after their best friend sleeps with their wife. Women? Hell hath no fury like a woman who has been called a heifer behind her back. Open weetabix's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 "This is the side of the net for people who want to drink more!" I needn't tell you that I'm ALWAYS on the side of people who want to drink more. Open biensoul's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 So I'm unemployed now, wooo! Or... Wheee! Or some sort of happy noise I won't make until I see that unemployment check in the mail. Open rudey's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 I don't care if I do become a teacher's pet. Especially if she considers "teacher's pet" to be a clever euphemism for "love slave." If that's what has to happen, then so be it. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 I'm going to get rip-roaring drunk and write in this diary a string of obscenities and offensive banter aimed at YOU, gentle reader. Stuff like "I hate you ALL! Fuck off, each and every one of you! You can suck my dick!" Open jwalker's page in a new window Thursday, July 10, 2003 i don't want to play pool while there are guys fucking in the same room. is that too much to ask? apparently. apparently i signed away the right for that request when i moved to sf. Open adwhore's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 This midwestern boy loves him some beach and ocean, yes. It's my favorite part of Los Angeles, next to Hollywood. I propose that everything in between the two be razed and reforested. Hollywood, pine trees, ocean. Open fadein's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 De problem wit America now-a-days is dat dey all hate each otha. En den Bahamas dere is no black, dere is no white, We. Are. PEOPLE! *Bangs fist on table* We are PEOPLE! Open thecritic's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 JOHN CARL Marquez, 36, was convicted of "placing bodily fluid upon a government employee," a felony that can carry a life sentence because of the possibility of transmitting a potentially deadly disease. Open halee's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 Yes, yes this is another of those insanely tedious Middle-Aged Woman Writing About Her Cat deals and if that isn't enough to get authorities somewhere to just pull the plug on this internet business, I don't know what is. Open marn's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 If Henry Miller listened to a lot of Bad Religion, he would write like that. Yeah. Open mollyx's page in a new window Wednesday, July 9, 2003 What is the point of these holidays if not to end up in a pool of your own sick by midnight? Why did George Washington bomb the French in the first place? Open tvzero's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 of course, i had expected to be a grammy winning artist who looked like a super model, but instead, i've got a couple self-made cd's, work at a porn site and gained 30 lbs since graduation. sort of wipes the stupid grin right off my face. Open adwhore's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 Well that's a whole lot right there, so let's strip these questions down to their skivvies, oil them up, and smack the shit outta them . Open mangus's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 "Well, my breasts probably look bigger lately because I need to pick up another boob-minimizing bra!" I could have brightly responded, sticking my chest out. Open jwalker's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 You write lighthearted ditties about your everyday life, for the most part. Nothing too controversial, nothing too outrageous. You're not, like, Uncle Fucking Bob here. (Although you do drop the F bomb on a fairly regular basis. Kaboom!) Open sundry's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 This isn't happening. No, it's not. I see...yeah, I see my keys right there in the cup-holder. In the fucking cup-holder. Yeah, there's my car key. And there's my other, EMERGENCY car key that should never, ever be together with my regular car key. I'm calm. I'm good. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 Lately, I've been getting a mass email from a supposed government official who is looking for time machine components. Open fadein's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 I swear, if I feel this crappy and depressed for another week, I am either going to just jump in front of a bus or join a band. Open skim's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 First off, there are size issues. It's just not big enough, there's just not enough of it. Oh, I know, they TELL you size doesn't matter, but that's a load of hooey. Open marn's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 You know you lust for the drama. Open mollyx's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 Then Clerky says arms straight up over my head, and measures my cup size, while I silently wonder if I remembered to shave my underarms that day. Open motherlode's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 Come on...EVERYONE loves monkeys, and EVERYONE loves beer. Some more than others. At the same time. And that's a story for the weekend update, when I get the pictures back. Open biensoul's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 I have a message for those of you who went to see Terminator 3 this weekend: Suckers! All y’all! Futuristic robots are soooo 1992! Open ann-frank's page in a new window Tuesday, July 8, 2003 That’s right. Tired, hungover… PARADE. It’s like a special kind of hell that Dante just hadn’t thought of yet. Open jamiestar's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 Open ms-m's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 "Dude. If I saw Hugh Jackman, I would immediately start ovulating." she yelled. Open jwalker's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 The other suit is a radical activist that feels my breasts are being kept down by the man and should be set free. At inappropriate moments. Open weetabix's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 When I began to answer the host's questions, my voice started to crack. Yes, I am a 52-year-old woman, and yet somehow I managed to make my voice crack. Open marn's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 I had about 50 magazines that I had to flip through and cut out any important material (Christopher Walken interviews, etc.) Open halee's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 Open leebozeebo's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 I cannot even begin to describe how fucking awesome it was to be surrounded on all sides by explosives and getting cramps from crossing your fingers to prevent getting hit by a wayward BOOM. Open mollyx's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 As I was checking out I was looking around the store and I saw one particularly short and round sales clerk and I wanted to run up to him and be like "Oh my god, didn't we have sex in a graveyard when I was like, 17??" Open mangus's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 Atleast I get fatter when I sit around... but then, I have a tendency to drink maple syrup straight from the bottle when I'm sitting around... Open cuppajoe's page in a new window Monday, July 7, 2003 we drove down the empty street, dodging random piles of flames, ducking (as if it would help) at every massive boom, watching folks run into the streets firing what looked like rifles, swerving in terror and basically feeling like we were in a goddamn video game. Open adwhore's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 Could you please join me in a minute's silence to contemplate the wonder and power of the Briggs & Stratton 3.5 h.p. classic lawn mower engine? Open marn's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 It's a lot easier than thinking I've got some bizarre repressed memories that my family isn't telling me about, and twenty percent less conspiratorial as well. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 Then a bunch more songs and they finished off with 'If It Feels Good Do It'. I looked back at Shaine during that and she was rocking her ass off throwing horns. Warms my heart, it does. Open motherlode's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 Because the MarnCo Labs first stab at BBQ Pizza Crust bears a startling resemblance to a frisbee, the brain trust over in our Marketing Department has suggested calling our first, uh, spin-offs either frizzas or pisbees. Open marn's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 "You make me want to scream like a chicken!" Open cuppajoe's page in a new window Sunday, July 6, 2003 Click Here for the 12% Archives, You Sweet-Lookin' MonkeyLover! Note: Our Foxy Jeffy has updated, but I don't have a new name graphic for him yet... 12% BeerHall of Fame Former BeerMates Who Went Above & Beyond The Call Of Duty And Made The Ultimate Sacrifice So We Could Practice MonkeyLoving And Not Be Shunned By Society. All Hail The BeerHall Of Famers! AnnieWaits Fu-Fu GoFigure Jeffy KellyK Blogroll 12%! MonkeyLovers Who Have BlogRolled 12%: 12% FAQs! What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing? 12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland. Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp? I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks... What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party? The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too. Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates. If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do? Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page. Why is it called "12% Beer"? It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol. It's really 10%, everyone knows that! DIARIST.NET NOMINATION REMINDER BOX HOLY SMACK!! THE NOMINATIONS ARE OPEN RIGHT NOW! SUBMIT YOUR NOMINATIONS BEFORE JULY 15TH!!! Best Account of a Public or News Event: MARN Best Comedic Entry: SAINT-LOUISE Best Rant: SUNDRY Outstanding Entry: WEETABIX Best Writing: ANN_FRANK Best Design: KELLYK Best Design: KELLYK Best Journal (Overall): SUNDRY WEETABIX Do you think other BeerMate entries deserve recognition? LET US KNOW, YO! We Love "Andy The Randy"s Coolest Website On Earth!