AdWhore AnnFrank BienSoul CuppaJoe DiscoTheKid FadeIn Fu-Fu Halee JamieStar JWalker LadeeLeroy LeeboZeebo Mangus Marn MollyX Ms-M Rudey Saint-Louise Skim Sundry TheCritic TVZero Weetabix

Queer Eye For The Disco Guy! (discuss!) BEERGEAR! Buy This Shit Right Now! (discuss!) Support DLAND ($0.08/day) - Buy a GOLD MEMBERSHIP! Know when 12% Updates! DiaryLand/LiveJournal/XML NewsFeed More Buttons! 12% BeerHall Of Fame 12% Buttons! FreeBeerLovers Archives FAQs 12% BeerGarden: A Forum Of MonkeyLove Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Saturday, August 16, 2003 Man, I'm looking hot today, what with my tussled hair, unshaven face, and "Who's Ya Daddy?" t-shirt. Of course, once I spritz on a little Contradiction by Calvin Klein, it won't matter how unkempt I am. Women across the country will be turned on by my scent. Or cats. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Saturday, August 16, 2003 The conversation went on for an hour and was complete with hand gestures the likes of which I’ve never seen before or since. I can only liken them to a mime reenacting a trip to the gynecologist’s office. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Saturday, August 16, 2003 Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Saturday, August 16, 2003 I was entranced. I started shaking my ass and wiggling my man-breasts and strutting around to the beat of this song. Looking back, I probably looked a lot like a fat blonde Mick Jagger, but I couldn't help myself. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Saturday, August 16, 2003 I called my friend Anthony who lives in Bensonhurst. He told me that his power was not yet on. While I was talking to Anthony I put on the air conditioner and felt the cool air filling my kitchen. Anthony sounded tired and miserable. He complained that too many people were using their air conditioners as soon as the grid went up so it would be hours before the power in Brooklyn would be fully restored. “Man, people can be such inconsiderate assholes.” I replied. Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Saturday, August 16, 2003 People, People who buy plasma TVs before Shark Week, Are the luckiest people in the world. Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Saturday, August 16, 2003 And so instead, my Yes kinda turned into something like: umm, yeah, great if you are looking to turn the Saturn into a Molotov Cocktail on wheels, that’ll work just fine. Seriously – do you think it’s a good idea to give your already unsafe car a wick? Open ann-frank's page in a new window view an illustration of ann-frank! Friday, August 15, 2003 I think I'm going to go out tonight and try to pick up boys by offering to show them my stitches. Like, "Hey, hottie. Wanna see my stitches?" Who could resist? I'm cute and I HAVE STITCHES. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Friday, August 15, 2003 Enid, well I think Enid speaks for us all when she tried to attach herself to the ceiling by her claws after the vet inserted a small glass probe in the uh other place they can put a thermometer when they want to take your temperature and don't want you biting said small glass probe. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Friday, August 15, 2003 Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Friday, August 15, 2003 In other news, my gorgeous gay boyfriend Mangus has made a sketch of me that makes me feel like a million bucks. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Friday, August 15, 2003 i think it's so cute when someone i know is all weirded out or pumped up about some big-titted lady they saw on the web. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Friday, August 15, 2003 I guess if you’re going to have a whorehouse down the street from you, ya might as well have a GOOD whorehouse down the street from you. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Friday, August 15, 2003 Yesterday our monitor blew up so we're using a temporarily donated one from my friend Brian. It's tiny, but it'll do in a pinch. I suspect he hears that a lot. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Friday, August 15, 2003 Oh, and in other news, after a stellar 2-week run of paying child support the checks have ceased and you better fucking believe someone is going to jail, I don't care who. I'll make a list and shake 'em all down, but someone is going to the work house, god damn it. Open rudey's page in a new window view an illustration of rudey! Friday, August 15, 2003 Then, a girl I used to date, who seemingly wanted no contact with me ever again and even went so far as to block me online went and unblocked me. Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Friday, August 15, 2003 I then did what any normal, warm-blooded North American male would do when at home during a power failure that looked as though it may last days... I dashed into the kitchen, flung open the freezer, and proceeded to empty all the ice cream into a giant bowl. Open cuppajoe's page in a new window view an illustration of cuppajoe! Friday, August 15, 2003 Actually, the "Why This Would Never Happen in Texas" was intriguing. You see, what I love about Texas is how we pretty much completely segregate ourselves from the rest of the country. Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Friday, August 15, 2003 He should, at least by now, be quite used to the fact that I get off on sending him strange birthday cards. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Friday, August 15, 2003 My fears were assauged though by a randy group of large women who stampeded through the door and made a lot of noise; surely, they'd muffle any sounds that I would make while glancing at "Thunder Dong." Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Friday, August 15, 2003 If LeeboZeebo is going to come, it's gotta be for something special. Like a really cool person not afraid to buy me the two rounds of wussy drinks necessary to get me shit-faced. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Friday, August 15, 2003 Me: "OK. I'm not ready to fuck yet." Josh: "That's fine, I just want a blow job." Me: "I'm not ready to give head yet." Josh: "Um... err... can I at least sniff yer panties?" Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Friday, August 15, 2003 Here I am, driving to my crappy job that I do not love, starting out yet another day that will fade out all too quickly, and pile up on all the bleached dead bones of days gone by, days where I just...get through the hours. Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Friday, August 15, 2003 just hung up the phone, i did, and got back to work. and tried not to puke on my computer or let my office partner see my angry tears. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Friday, August 15, 2003 This is a Mr. T Duck - I have no idea what this is or why. Frankly, it creeps me out a little bit. Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Thursday, August 14, 2003 Life was so much easier when I didn’t know anyone. Then, I was just suicidally lonely but at least I had something to write about. Open tvzero's page in a new window view an illustration of tvzero! Thursday, August 14, 2003 Some Good Samaritan would have helped it out… and yet there it was, with one plastic arm pointed straight into the air. Beckoning for help. I could hear its cries. It was still alive and kicking. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Thursday, August 14, 2003 It is, indeed, quite possible for a middle-aged woman to levitate. I slipped the surly bonds of earth and levitated myself right up on our bed. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Thursday, August 14, 2003 I sat on the floor with colored pencils and colored in my map while J watched the GoldenGirls (we're gay, we have to watch it...it's like, a rule or something). Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Thursday, August 14, 2003 "Damn, there's that dude I met at the party that sexed me up to maximum capacity and never called after. I shall now kick him in the nuts." Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Thursday, August 14, 2003 I've always wanted to get an old VW Bug and paint it like the General Lee. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Thursday, August 14, 2003 I am 99% intellectually compatible with Duff!! Deep down, I have always known this! Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 Then I asked, "What do you do with the teeth?" I can't remember what they said, but it wasn't cool at all. I was hoping they used them in maracas or something for their dentist parties at the end of the day. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 We talked about dating 'n junk and how he's 40 and he's JUST getting ready to settle down with a nice woman. I still think he's gay. Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 "There's nothing better than the Ravens winning the SuperBowl except getting LAID after the Ravens winning the SuperBowl!" Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 like a whorehouse after a prison break, this place is swarming from dawn til dusk, crawling with little feet and strollers. it's like the fucking birds. disgusting. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 He’s currently in second place and I’m sure my sister will figure out some way to blame me if he loses. You don’t want me to get in trouble do you? You do? We’ll you’re a prick. Just vote (for Andrew, bottom-right) already this entry ain’t goin’ nowhere. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 Monday when I went to do some stretching I almost walked in on them. If sneakers could squeal like car tires, mine would have as I backpedaled out of that doorway as fast as I could. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 We became serious and discussed female ejaculation...and words like "vagina", "clitoris", and "labia" were brought up and I didn't scream and cover my ears and go "lalalalala I can't hear you" at all. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 Q: Wow. Jesus. What the fuck? Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 A good chunk of them are married (and don't you dare say that "it's never stopped you before" or I swear I'll pop you in the jaw). Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Wednesday, August 13, 2003 I have a feeling that if I don't stop watching television, 40 years from now I'll think Chandler Bing was my long lost boyfriend. Open ms-m's page in a new window view an illustration of ms-m! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 I am used to living sedately with middle-aged and elderly cats. Now it appears that I have two juvenile delinquents under my roof, one of whom I probably should have named Seabiscuit. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 They were puffy, as though I had been visited in the night by the Collagen Fairy. The role of Weetabix was now being played by Steven Tyler’s Lips. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 Luckily as the years went by, my voice has reached a suitable level of androgyny where I can be mistaken for my father just as often as my mother and sister on the telephone. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 She's going to the dermatologist to find out about Botox. She's also a bit of an idiot, but she still has me terrified of getting wrinkles. Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 Man, I am really freaked out about the tooth yanking. Which sucks cuz I'm supposed to be all tough and shit, but how can one be tough when people keep telling her horror stories about tooth yanking? Bloody horror stories. Bloody, PAINFUL horror stories. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 The danger of watching Sex for that long is that one easily falls under the Bradshaw spell; I feel like every sentence should be punctuated with a metaphor for single life and/or a bedrocking orgasm. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 But yeah, menopause. That usually happens to men my age, right? Open cuppajoe's page in a new window view an illustration of cuppajoe! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 The sun shined in a different way. The grass was still green, but green in a more adult sort of fashion. It was like the sticky film of innocence had been lifted from my eyes and I now knew what it was like to be attracted, sexually, to a male. Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window view an illustration of ladeeleroy! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 When I graduated from college, about as big as I could dream in terms of a career was a paycheck to cover my bar tab. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 After living in a studio apartment for two years the thought of like, a real grown-up place to put my bed is just … just … too much! Open ann-frank's page in a new window view an illustration of ann-frank! Tuesday, August 12, 2003 "Jess," she whispers on the phone, "I need you to bring me the following right now: a pair of jeans, four tampons, and a new pair of underwear. You'll find the jeans on my floor; they're Old Navy and they're flares. The tampons are under my sink, and the underwear is in the top left drawer. I want flirty ones, not the grannies." Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Monday, August 11, 2003 i picked up a freelance animation job for johnson & johnson. this is good because my portfolio is beginning to look like my very own smutty porn hut, and people jacking off to my resume was never my intention, as complimentary as it may be. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Monday, August 11, 2003 So there I am, suffering on the Belt Parkway. Dennis won’t stop singing this hypnotic phrase in my right ear and the song never seems to end. I believe it was a "dance-remix." Two words that when put together send my brain reeling in search for justice. Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Monday, August 11, 2003 But she makes up for it in the sack. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Monday, August 11, 2003 Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Monday, August 11, 2003 Not the good additives, either, like the color enhancers they used in Hostess-O's when I was a kid, making the jelly insides such a bright red you feared you might go blind looking directly into it. Either that, or it was merely radioactive. Open saint-louise's page in a new window view an illustration of saint-louise! Monday, August 11, 2003 When I get drunk, a strange thing happens. I go from my usual reserved self to "the life of the party". I wish I could maintain something in between. How come I'm either horribly repressed or jumping up on tables to dance? WHY?! Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Monday, August 11, 2003 I have torn the downstairs apart looking in about a bazillion nooks and crannies and so far have found zero deceased mice. However, the downstairs is full of the delicate scent of Eau de Dead Mouse, so I know that somewhere there is a small corpse putrefying. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Monday, August 11, 2003 Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Monday, August 11, 2003 I was completely desperate...so desperate in fact, that I bought a ticket for "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Monday, August 11, 2003 And yes, it did indeed say "Kiss Me" on his ass. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Monday, August 11, 2003 Click Here for the 12% Archives, You Sweet-Lookin' MonkeyLover! 12% BeerHall of Fame Former BeerMates Who Went Above & Beyond The Call Of Duty And Made The Ultimate Sacrifice So We Could Practice MonkeyLoving And Not Be Shunned By Society. All Hail The BeerHall Of Famers! AnnieWaits GoFigure Jeffy KellyK Motherlode Blogroll 12%! MonkeyLovers Who Have BlogRolled 12%: 12% FAQs! What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing? 12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland. Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp? I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks... What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party? The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too. Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates. If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do? Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page. Why is it called "12% Beer"? It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol. It's really 10%, everyone knows that! We Love "Andy The Randy"s Coolest Website On Earth!