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I debated slamming the book shut to break up the little pornagraphic display but opted to blow on them rather than funk up the pages.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


SNOT ROCKET! No, not really. Jellyfish.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


And I'm all like...DISTRACTED 'n' sheeeit by his sexy ass.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


I just had to drop you a line to tell you that no matter how dumb you think are, it doesn't even come close to almost having sex with a hot stripper that has herpes.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


When I need a good laugh, Sydney will take a giant poo and swim around quickly acting like s/he is frightened by it.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


I also did not see hide nor hair of any Hanson. And believe me....I had my eyes peeled.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


If I want to write about my drunk liaisons in the beds of pickup trucks with (unbeknownst to me) married guys, well, that's my right, too.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


you know those commercials where the bail bond people put their hand on the traumatized family members shoulder and get them coffee and ask them if they’re okay? bullshit.
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Sunday, August 24, 2003


A normal person might feel bad about upsetting a family member but the only thought going through my mind was “Game. Set. Match.”
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


In other words, she is very much my type of woman. However, one night with her at that bar was enough to convince me that she's got a major Jones for Joe. Love Triangle!
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


Today was also Day 1 of the new, high octane running program. Yes, I have ramped things up from Death March Lite to Oh Yeah You'll Learn About Pain, Maggot.
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


I think if George Clooney stormed into my house right this second and DEMANDED that I have sex with him, I'd say, "No thanks; I'd rather go sleep for about 48 years until the rhythmic pounding of the jackhammer in my brain subsides, but thanks anyway."
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


Pretty sad that the highlight of my day was my sister nearly dismembering a body part.
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


wouldn't it just be easier if my right hand WERE a mouse, preferably cordless? my body seems to think so.
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Saturday, August 23, 2003


As you can see there is a new design going up, courtesy of the spouse.
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Friday, August 22, 2003



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Friday, August 22, 2003


It’s just such an amazing thing to sit in a room and have people acting in hysterics shouting “pissgobbler” and “pantsstuffing motherfucker” back at me, words I wrote, and trying so hard to be these characters that before that moment only existed in my head.
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Friday, August 22, 2003


But, crap on a stick, if people I don't know are willing to cough up $665 of their hard-earned buckazoids to become Bazonga Boosters, then the least I can do is harass anyone stupid enough to make eye contact as we pass on the street.
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Friday, August 22, 2003


And last night, I spent a good 20 minutes transfixed by Dog, who was licking the bottom of a cool whip container and moving it around the living room.
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Friday, August 22, 2003


How can you help but have a positive outlook on life when you walk around thinking that everyone wants to touch your goodies?
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Friday, August 22, 2003


It really only makes me want to start an all-girl Ramones' tribute band called "The Ramonas."
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Friday, August 22, 2003


I’d rather think of them as Barbie and Ken, with little alien nubs of plastic betwixt their legs, thank you very much.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


Gary's visit usually requires excessive amounts of tobacco, alcohol and insistent demands for loose women. We can provide the first two but the loose women? They just don't come that loose.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


"I can't believe you're 30!!!" she keeps saying. Me neither.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


It is causing disruptions in powerlines in Ohio, and may, just may, plunge us all into darkness so we can play with candles again.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


i could NOT look away. my mouth hung open in a silent mourning howl, like a nightmare you just can't scream in.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


We have an ANGEL at the library, you guys. She wears long white robes, a veil and an actual HALO. And did you know that angels smell like cheap booze? THEY DO!
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


Don’t these Diarylanders realize that there are mullet subcategories that have yet to be explored? What about the FeMullets, Starter Mullets, Pedia Mullets (kids), King Mullets, Skullets (person is bald), and let’s not forget Frullets (afro combined with mullet).
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


I do look like a rocker now!!! Only...I think I look like Joey Ramone. I can't decide if this is good or bad.
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


Ah, Bitchy McBitch of the McBitchersons, how I've missed you!
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Thursday, August 21, 2003


Normally people would be thrilled by such results, however, my goal was to GAIN weight not lose it. I’m eating like a pig, leading a sedentary lifestyle, and doing every other Dietary Don’t on The Most Wanted List of Fitness Gurus world wide, and yet I’ve still managed to slim down.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


Joe S., Anthony, and myself are like the less-slapstick cousins of the Three Stooges, but with more jokes about bodily functions, and we get along famously.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


He’s kind of like regular uncanny jonny, but he’s more powerful, more successful and doesn’t touch himself nearly as much.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


hey, i like to criticize, eat and write. i should be a restaurant critic!
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


It is my firm belief that if I can actually engineer peace between these three adult cats then I should automatically become the U.N. Envoy to the Middle East.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


I was ULTRA masculine and could kill a small bug with a can of lysol while screaming "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DIE DIE DIE!!!" at the top of my lungs, and wearing little more than water and some strategically placed lather.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


I'm pretty sure Freddy Vs. Jason is going to take home the Academy Award for Tits.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


I wrote on my fridge in big letters "I (BIG HEART) MONKEY. HE DROOLS. MONKEY IS OUR CAT NOW."
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003


I ended up taking a picture of my crotch.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


Afterwards we gave them a salad bowl and talked about how corn always makes an encore appearance in the toilet.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


It is 2:20 and I have been working non-stop all day. I really feel like that is enough! I shouldn't have to work more than 4 hours or so! Am I right, ladies?
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


You realize what this is, right? Why, it's a Booby Prize!
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


The fun really began when the bugger jumped into my car as I was getting in, and refused to get out. I’m all, “Here, come on, getthefuckoutyouworthlesspieceoffur,” while the dog ignores me and bites the gearshift.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


If I drink any Sauce, my Liver and Pancreas will get all screwed up and get long hard-to-pronounce words that end in "itis", and probably blow up to the size of beachballs before exploding in a maelstorm of flames and organ shrapnel.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


I remember that I once stabbed a nearly full milk carton with a knife, just to see what that would be like. I stood in front of the open refrigerator, watching the wounded carton spurt it's contents onto the kitchen floor like it was bleeding.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


I'm a pirate! With boobs! And actual, REAL (not make-believe!) muscles! AND A HAT! And, yes, I really am that hot and dangerous in person. Really. I'm quite handy with the cutlass, too.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


Hardly encouraging but it was better than, "It doesn't matter what you do, we cut you out of the will a long time ago."
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003


So we visited the upper echelon and I totally Winona'd their phone. It's possible we don't get invited back anytime soon.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


Had I spent the day inside, staring blankly at the living room wall and alternately picking my toenails, I would have considered today a far more productive one than what I had to sit through in my school's cafeteria. Jesus wept. Really.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


I'm not sure how it happened, but lately when I work really hard for about 3 hours straight... I feel entitled to not have to work the rest of the day.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


I'm not scared of dragons, where as I am quite frightened of bug-eyed scrotum monsters.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


I mean, really, who amongst us does not want to known as a Bazonga Booster? My thoughts, exactly.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


Me supporting such causes just gave her a mental image of me doing lines while perusing the fellatio menu looking for a girl with a tongue stud.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


If I knew how to jump out of a moving vehicle without injuring myself, I’d be running down the interstate in the opposition direction before you could even finish that next sentence.
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Monday, August 18, 2003



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Monday, August 18, 2003


See Halee's ego inflate before your very eyes.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


You only burp when you drink alcohol? No wonder you’re so uptight – you’re practically a weather balloon! Let it out, woman!”
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Monday, August 18, 2003


Later, some latent homosexuality fought it's way through our vanishing sobriety, and we all, male and female, pledged to have sex with each other at some point, like a good group of friends.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


It turns out that LadeeLeroy put her brain in a robot body a long time ago and just now discovered that she has laser nipples capable of melting through a plate of titanium steel three feet thick at a rate of one foot per second.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


One day Nathan took his shirt off in the lunchroom. One of the old ladies complained and the stupid nurses surrounded him to correct this behavior. Nathan told the nurses that they should “shut up and admire his sexy body.”
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Monday, August 18, 2003


I am the verbal equivalent of "hit me" in Blackjack, or a surprise below the belt jab in a very carefully choreographed boxing match.
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Monday, August 18, 2003


I was no longer the kid who got cut about 2 minutes into softball tryouts because I held my glove out with my eyes shut...at second base.
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Monday, August 18, 2003



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Monday, August 18, 2003


Penny was drinking something that looked like Smurfberry Blue kool-aid (which I used to drink by the gallon when I was first living on my own and excrutiatingly poor. I called it Smurf Pee. Yes, I was classy even at a young age.
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Sunday, August 17, 2003


i decided to figure out when a ripe 27 year-old like myself would have the privilege of retiring. 2040 is the answer, 20fucking40. shoot me now.
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Sunday, August 17, 2003


Boobs McCallahan is the most perfect name EVER. In fact, I think that if I am reincarnated and get to choose my own name, it shall be Boobs McCallahan.
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Sunday, August 17, 2003


I mean, it has to be crazy wonderful to have someone looking at you with that Omigawd You're So Hott I Want To Rub Myself Against You Until Friction Makes Your Clothes Melt Off look.
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Sunday, August 17, 2003


Rather than naming them all one by one like we did the others, we just named them the Bloods and the Crips.
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Sunday, August 17, 2003



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Sunday, August 17, 2003





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12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland.

Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp?
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The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too.

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