AdWhore AnnFrank BienSoul CuppaJoe DiscoTheKid FadeIn Fu-Fu Halee JamieStar JWalker LadeeLeroy LeeboZeebo Mangus Marn MollyX Ms-M Rudey Saint-Louise Skim Sundry TheCritic TVZero Weetabix

Marn Is Running For Boobs Canada! Support Her! (discuss!) Magnus Has Sexified The BeerMates! (discuss!) Queer Eye For The Disco Guy! (discuss!) BEERGEAR! Buy This Shit Right Now! (discuss!) Know when 12% Updates! DiaryLand/LiveJournal/XML NewsFeed More Buttons! 12% BeerHall Of Fame 12% Buttons! FreeBeerLovers Archives FAQs 12% BeerGarden: A Forum Of MonkeyLove I debated slamming the book shut to break up the little pornagraphic display but opted to blow on them rather than funk up the pages. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Sunday, August 24, 2003 SNOT ROCKET! No, not really. Jellyfish. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Sunday, August 24, 2003 And I'm all like...DISTRACTED 'n' sheeeit by his sexy ass. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Sunday, August 24, 2003 I just had to drop you a line to tell you that no matter how dumb you think are, it doesn't even come close to almost having sex with a hot stripper that has herpes. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Sunday, August 24, 2003 When I need a good laugh, Sydney will take a giant poo and swim around quickly acting like s/he is frightened by it. Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window view an illustration of ladeeleroy! Sunday, August 24, 2003 I also did not see hide nor hair of any Hanson. And believe me....I had my eyes peeled. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Sunday, August 24, 2003 If I want to write about my drunk liaisons in the beds of pickup trucks with (unbeknownst to me) married guys, well, that's my right, too. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Sunday, August 24, 2003 you know those commercials where the bail bond people put their hand on the traumatized family members shoulder and get them coffee and ask them if they’re okay? bullshit. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Sunday, August 24, 2003 A normal person might feel bad about upsetting a family member but the only thought going through my mind was “Game. Set. Match.” Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Saturday, August 23, 2003 In other words, she is very much my type of woman. However, one night with her at that bar was enough to convince me that she's got a major Jones for Joe. Love Triangle! Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Saturday, August 23, 2003 Today was also Day 1 of the new, high octane running program. Yes, I have ramped things up from Death March Lite to Oh Yeah You'll Learn About Pain, Maggot. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Saturday, August 23, 2003 I think if George Clooney stormed into my house right this second and DEMANDED that I have sex with him, I'd say, "No thanks; I'd rather go sleep for about 48 years until the rhythmic pounding of the jackhammer in my brain subsides, but thanks anyway." Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Saturday, August 23, 2003 Pretty sad that the highlight of my day was my sister nearly dismembering a body part. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Saturday, August 23, 2003 wouldn't it just be easier if my right hand WERE a mouse, preferably cordless? my body seems to think so. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Saturday, August 23, 2003 As you can see there is a new design going up, courtesy of the spouse. Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Friday, August 22, 2003 Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Friday, August 22, 2003 It’s just such an amazing thing to sit in a room and have people acting in hysterics shouting “pissgobbler” and “pantsstuffing motherfucker” back at me, words I wrote, and trying so hard to be these characters that before that moment only existed in my head. Open tvzero's page in a new window view an illustration of tvzero! Friday, August 22, 2003 But, crap on a stick, if people I don't know are willing to cough up $665 of their hard-earned buckazoids to become Bazonga Boosters, then the least I can do is harass anyone stupid enough to make eye contact as we pass on the street. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Friday, August 22, 2003 And last night, I spent a good 20 minutes transfixed by Dog, who was licking the bottom of a cool whip container and moving it around the living room. Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Friday, August 22, 2003 How can you help but have a positive outlook on life when you walk around thinking that everyone wants to touch your goodies? Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Friday, August 22, 2003 It really only makes me want to start an all-girl Ramones' tribute band called "The Ramonas." Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Friday, August 22, 2003 I’d rather think of them as Barbie and Ken, with little alien nubs of plastic betwixt their legs, thank you very much. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Thursday, August 21, 2003 Gary's visit usually requires excessive amounts of tobacco, alcohol and insistent demands for loose women. We can provide the first two but the loose women? They just don't come that loose. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Thursday, August 21, 2003 "I can't believe you're 30!!!" she keeps saying. Me neither. Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Thursday, August 21, 2003 It is causing disruptions in powerlines in Ohio, and may, just may, plunge us all into darkness so we can play with candles again. Open cuppajoe's page in a new window view an illustration of cuppajoe! Thursday, August 21, 2003 i could NOT look away. my mouth hung open in a silent mourning howl, like a nightmare you just can't scream in. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Thursday, August 21, 2003 We have an ANGEL at the library, you guys. She wears long white robes, a veil and an actual HALO. And did you know that angels smell like cheap booze? THEY DO! Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Thursday, August 21, 2003 Don’t these Diarylanders realize that there are mullet subcategories that have yet to be explored? What about the FeMullets, Starter Mullets, Pedia Mullets (kids), King Mullets, Skullets (person is bald), and let’s not forget Frullets (afro combined with mullet). Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Thursday, August 21, 2003 I do look like a rocker now!!! Only...I think I look like Joey Ramone. I can't decide if this is good or bad. Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Thursday, August 21, 2003 Ah, Bitchy McBitch of the McBitchersons, how I've missed you! Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Thursday, August 21, 2003 Normally people would be thrilled by such results, however, my goal was to GAIN weight not lose it. I’m eating like a pig, leading a sedentary lifestyle, and doing every other Dietary Don’t on The Most Wanted List of Fitness Gurus world wide, and yet I’ve still managed to slim down. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 Joe S., Anthony, and myself are like the less-slapstick cousins of the Three Stooges, but with more jokes about bodily functions, and we get along famously. Open cuppajoe's page in a new window view an illustration of cuppajoe! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 He’s kind of like regular uncanny jonny, but he’s more powerful, more successful and doesn’t touch himself nearly as much. Open tvzero's page in a new window view an illustration of tvzero! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 hey, i like to criticize, eat and write. i should be a restaurant critic! Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 It is my firm belief that if I can actually engineer peace between these three adult cats then I should automatically become the U.N. Envoy to the Middle East. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 I was ULTRA masculine and could kill a small bug with a can of lysol while screaming "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DIE DIE DIE!!!" at the top of my lungs, and wearing little more than water and some strategically placed lather. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 I'm pretty sure Freddy Vs. Jason is going to take home the Academy Award for Tits. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 I wrote on my fridge in big letters "I (BIG HEART) MONKEY. HE DROOLS. MONKEY IS OUR CAT NOW." Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Wednesday, August 20, 2003 I ended up taking a picture of my crotch. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 Afterwards we gave them a salad bowl and talked about how corn always makes an encore appearance in the toilet. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 It is 2:20 and I have been working non-stop all day. I really feel like that is enough! I shouldn't have to work more than 4 hours or so! Am I right, ladies? Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 You realize what this is, right? Why, it's a Booby Prize! Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 The fun really began when the bugger jumped into my car as I was getting in, and refused to get out. I’m all, “Here, come on, getthefuckoutyouworthlesspieceoffur,” while the dog ignores me and bites the gearshift. Open jamiestar's page in a new window view an illustration of jamiestar! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 If I drink any Sauce, my Liver and Pancreas will get all screwed up and get long hard-to-pronounce words that end in "itis", and probably blow up to the size of beachballs before exploding in a maelstorm of flames and organ shrapnel. Open cuppajoe's page in a new window view an illustration of cuppajoe! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 I remember that I once stabbed a nearly full milk carton with a knife, just to see what that would be like. I stood in front of the open refrigerator, watching the wounded carton spurt it's contents onto the kitchen floor like it was bleeding. Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 I'm a pirate! With boobs! And actual, REAL (not make-believe!) muscles! AND A HAT! And, yes, I really am that hot and dangerous in person. Really. I'm quite handy with the cutlass, too. Open mollyx's page in a new window view an illustration of mollyx! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 Hardly encouraging but it was better than, "It doesn't matter what you do, we cut you out of the will a long time ago." Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Tuesday, August 19, 2003 So we visited the upper echelon and I totally Winona'd their phone. It's possible we don't get invited back anytime soon. Open sundry's page in a new window view an illustration of sundry! Monday, August 18, 2003 Had I spent the day inside, staring blankly at the living room wall and alternately picking my toenails, I would have considered today a far more productive one than what I had to sit through in my school's cafeteria. Jesus wept. Really. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Monday, August 18, 2003 I'm not sure how it happened, but lately when I work really hard for about 3 hours straight... I feel entitled to not have to work the rest of the day. Open jwalker's page in a new window view an illustration of jwalker! Monday, August 18, 2003 I'm not scared of dragons, where as I am quite frightened of bug-eyed scrotum monsters. Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Monday, August 18, 2003 I mean, really, who amongst us does not want to known as a Bazonga Booster? My thoughts, exactly. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Monday, August 18, 2003 Me supporting such causes just gave her a mental image of me doing lines while perusing the fellatio menu looking for a girl with a tongue stud. Open tvzero's page in a new window view an illustration of tvzero! Monday, August 18, 2003 If I knew how to jump out of a moving vehicle without injuring myself, I’d be running down the interstate in the opposition direction before you could even finish that next sentence. Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Monday, August 18, 2003 Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Monday, August 18, 2003 See Halee's ego inflate before your very eyes. Open halee's page in a new window view an illustration of halee! Monday, August 18, 2003 “You only burp when you drink alcohol? No wonder you’re so uptight – you’re practically a weather balloon! Let it out, woman!” Open jamiestar's page in a new window view an illustration of jamiestar! Monday, August 18, 2003 Later, some latent homosexuality fought it's way through our vanishing sobriety, and we all, male and female, pledged to have sex with each other at some point, like a good group of friends. Open fadein's page in a new window view an illustration of fadein! Monday, August 18, 2003 It turns out that LadeeLeroy put her brain in a robot body a long time ago and just now discovered that she has laser nipples capable of melting through a plate of titanium steel three feet thick at a rate of one foot per second. Open leebozeebo's page in a new window view an illustration of leebozeebo! Monday, August 18, 2003 One day Nathan took his shirt off in the lunchroom. One of the old ladies complained and the stupid nurses surrounded him to correct this behavior. Nathan told the nurses that they should “shut up and admire his sexy body.” Open discothekid's page in a new window view an illustration of discothekid! Monday, August 18, 2003 I am the verbal equivalent of "hit me" in Blackjack, or a surprise below the belt jab in a very carefully choreographed boxing match. Open biensoul's page in a new window view an illustration of biensoul! Monday, August 18, 2003 I was no longer the kid who got cut about 2 minutes into softball tryouts because I held my glove out with my eyes shut...at second base. Open skim's page in a new window view an illustration of skim! Monday, August 18, 2003 Open thecritic's page in a new window view an illustration of thecritic! Monday, August 18, 2003 Penny was drinking something that looked like Smurfberry Blue kool-aid (which I used to drink by the gallon when I was first living on my own and excrutiatingly poor. I called it Smurf Pee. Yes, I was classy even at a young age. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Sunday, August 17, 2003 i decided to figure out when a ripe 27 year-old like myself would have the privilege of retiring. 2040 is the answer, 20fucking40. shoot me now. Open adwhore's page in a new window view an illustration of adwhore! Sunday, August 17, 2003 Boobs McCallahan is the most perfect name EVER. In fact, I think that if I am reincarnated and get to choose my own name, it shall be Boobs McCallahan. Open weetabix's page in a new window view an illustration of weetabix! Sunday, August 17, 2003 I mean, it has to be crazy wonderful to have someone looking at you with that Omigawd You're So Hott I Want To Rub Myself Against You Until Friction Makes Your Clothes Melt Off look. Open marn's page in a new window view an illustration of marn! Sunday, August 17, 2003 Rather than naming them all one by one like we did the others, we just named them the Bloods and the Crips. Open fu-fu's page in a new window view an illustration of fu-fu! Sunday, August 17, 2003 Open mangus's page in a new window view an illustration of mangus! Sunday, August 17, 2003 Click Here for the 12% Archives, You Sweet-Lookin' MonkeyLover! It's Time To MonkeyRape Austin! CONFIRMED ATTENDEES: Biensoul LadeeLeroy LeeboZeebo Sundry Weetabix 12% BeerHall of Fame Former BeerMates Who Went Above & Beyond The Call Of Duty And Made The Ultimate Sacrifice So We Could Practice MonkeyLoving And Not Be Shunned By Society. All Hail The BeerHall Of Famers! AnnieWaits GoFigure Jeffy KellyK Motherlode Blogroll 12%! MonkeyLovers Who Have BlogRolled 12%: 12% FAQs! What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing? 12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland. Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp? I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks... What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party? The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too. Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates. If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do? Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page. Why is it called "12% Beer"? It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol. It's really 10%, everyone knows that! 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