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If you were lost somewhere with little food wouldn’t it be smarter to feed all that food to one person and then eat that person? The human body can feed far more people than a couple of cookies and it’s probably a healthier meal at that.
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Saturday, February 22, 2003


Malibu. Malibue and Diet Coke. I think I bought one drink, then Naked Chris bought the rest. He never did get naked. And then there was another Chris. And Elvis. And somehow my lip priunts got on Elvis, Chris, Eric, and a very old man named Don.
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Saturday, February 22, 2003


It's entitled No Matter What, We're Pretty Well Screwed, because I'm a big ball of effervescent sunshine today. Yup, sunshine with bubbles!
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Saturday, February 22, 2003


It doesn't matter what's going on or who is trying to win, as soon as you say, "Well, it's my birthday" you have them by the balls.
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Friday, February 21, 2003


So it would be wrong, shallow and petty to hate someone's guts because they're young, blonde, have a swimsuit model's body and the strength of She-Ra, right?
Open marn's page in a new window
Friday, February 21, 2003


I tell my roommates all the time that they should be paying me to live with me. Of course, I also told one of them to put on a French maid outfit and vacuum the carpets.
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Friday, February 21, 2003


I just saw a piece of spam in my inbox demanding that I grow a third leg. GROW A THIRD LEG, it said. I'm thinking, now why the hell would I want a third leg? I would look like an easel or something.

And then I went ooooh. Ew.
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Friday, February 21, 2003


Mangus, lounging on his bed in a filmy negligee, fluffy bunny slippers, and tiara...nonchalantly popping bon-bons into his mouth and flipping lightly through a deliciously steamy novel. The phone rings. Mangus adjusts his tiara and answers:
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Friday, February 21, 2003


I was going to the bathroom before… and I couldn’t even breathe. And then the cat left, so I knew that it was bad.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Friday, February 21, 2003


This morning JB and I had to go sign the eighty jillion pieces of paper that said "Trust Deed" and "Statement of Occupancy" and "Permission To Get Goat-Fucked On National Television" and, you know, all kinds of boring shit I didn't read.
Open sundry's page in a new window
Friday, February 21, 2003


Forget everything else. If you find a person who can make you laugh, grab on to that person and don't let go.
Open marn's page in a new window
Friday, February 21, 2003


I stumbled into work all bleary eyed, which was strongly enhanced by my new found friend Mr. Head Cold. He's a bitter wee sod with lots of animosity and anger. I hate him.
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Friday, February 21, 2003


I think that a short-form version should be allowed, because a lot of people in society can't remember ALL the syllables in 5-syllable words.
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Friday, February 21, 2003


My birthday is in 2 days, I will celebrate it with a giant boot full of beer.
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Thursday, February 20, 2003


That's the first time I've ever had to cut my rice with a knife.
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Thursday, February 20, 2003


I want to take her home and put her in my drawer, only to be released when I’m feeling upset or to liven up a party. She’s cute in an elderly lady sort of way.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Thursday, February 20, 2003


With honey in the wrong hands, every city in America is in danger of becoming sticky sweet.
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Thursday, February 20, 2003


Dubya says that we shouldn't be worried, regardless. Yeah, if I had an underground fortified compound with Cinemax, I'd be saying that, too. So shut the fuck up, warpig.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Thursday, February 20, 2003


You know, in this economy I should really try a bit harder to, you know, maybe keep my job instead doing this crap and having to try desperately to get rid of an army of pornographic pop-up ads that result in such searches when the boss is walking by.
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Thursday, February 20, 2003



Open msm's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I had all the cd’s stolen out of my car when someone broke into it. okay, to be fair, it wasn’t so much “broke into” as it was “opened the door when I wasn’t looking.”
Open tvzero's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


Hey Disco, did you hear that J.LO is frequently fucking #$*;&! up the ass with a nine inch dildo shaped like a goddamned Chevy? Seriously, when Mrs. Damon gets that package delivered he howls girlishly like #$*;&!
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


Today, a bird took a crap on me.
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I kissed a boy that's 6 foot 2,
I almost had a shiny new tattoo.
And now I must dash off to the loo,
For I have come down with the stinkin' flu.
Open msm's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I said that in the tone of voice that all women use to reassure Their One True Love that said One True Love is the Epitome Of All That Is Studly, Studliness Incarnate, the Lord of the Lay.
Open marn's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I always have a hard time going to an exercise class for the first time, because I think I'm going to look like a total moron, and you know? I'm always right.
Open sundry's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I could almost see her crawling up onto a cross in her living room and asking her father in heaven why he had forsaken her with the inability to earn frequent flier miles.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


His high class weekend involved Trivial Pursuit and over-proof rum. Unless there was nudity involved, I highly doubt that was a good combination.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


Thankfully, I was all doped up on the 'Tussin, so I really didn't care.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


Hey honky guy, where’s your fuck-monkey?
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


Still, they pay me and enable my serious drug habit, so I kind of wish they would keep me on until I finally found something new, at which point I could flip everyone off and slap them around with The Wang.
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Wednesday, February 19, 2003


yesterday morning i hawked up greenish-yellow phlegm. it was nasty but i wish eli would have been there so i could show him.
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Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I'm starting to wonder why I didn't just leave the house wearing sweatpants and one of my 5 Celine Dion tube-tops, since I obviously dressed like a sloth anyways.
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Wednesday, February 19, 2003


I like shoes, and…uh…sideshow freaks. And loud sex. And buttered muffins. Blueberry. With milk.
Open saintlouise's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


The secret is: you can't really mean it. Be a dick, that's fine, but don't really mean it. Say it with a smile, you know? That's all I'm sayin'.
Open rudey's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


Stupid work. Fucking with my starving artist lifestyle. The nerve.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


we both decided we needed to get t-shirts made so that people would stop mistaking us for a couple. She would get one that said "I'm with the gay" and I would get one that said "I'm with the Jewess".
Open mangus's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


I would sleep in his bed if I thought I could get some money out of it.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


I think we can all agree that if you want to thwart The Grim Reaper, bubble wrap should be your first line of defence.
Open marn's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


Of course when Zora, or what ever the batshit her name was, sees the tape of her new found love getting a hummer from Sarah in the woods, I am sure her lawyers will see to it that she collects Joe's million.
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


He got a job as a stripper.
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


It was so amazing that people of varying beliefs, lifestyles, etc. all came together for one purpose, not involving alcohol or sports.
Open skim's page in a new window
Tuesday, February 18, 2003


If you put on a pair of jeans in a size you haven’t seen in more than six years, you would immediately buy them too. And then I celebrated by going to Godiva and buying a $40 box of chocolates. Hey. Don’t look at me that way.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


I should consider myself pretty lucky. I have a job that entails me to work with mass amounts of the dirty, dirty public.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


Something washes over me when I hit the gym. I think it might be the testosterone fumes.
Open marn's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


He was playing ski-ball, and becoming more and more impatient, probably because there were no games in Chucky Cheese that depicts the use of a gun.
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


I render men helpless to resist the urge to touch themselves inappropriately.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


Chunks of my hair were defying gravity, and not in that sexy, messy, bed head way either.
Open rudey's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


Anyway, you wanna know what I did last night? Whose air I shared? Whose glorious pectoral muscles I admired from 18 rows back?
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Monday, February 17, 2003


I’ve eaten so much pizza and mozzarella in the past couple of days; I think I’ve started to sweat cheese.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


I find Ed Harris, especially in his role in the Abyss, to be highly fuckable.
Open sundry's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


I'm suffering from a severe case of vagina interruptus.
Open marn's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


Other than being a heart attack in a pint, when spilling Chocolate Brownie Ben and Jerry’s on yourself, it makes it look like you wiped your ass with your shirt.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


It's 4:20 in the morning and my mom and I were just conspiring to leave in the middle of the night.
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


I will cut you, bitch!
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003



Open sundry's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


Today I used a glitter glue pen for the first time.
Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


I have a duck for a valentine this year. I'd like to see you beat that, bitches.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003


It’ll be fabulous, I swear. You ain’t see nothing until you’ve seen me in my undies in a jail doing high kicks.
Open mangus's page in a new window
Sunday, February 16, 2003





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What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing?
12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland.

Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp?
I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks...

What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party?
The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too.

Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates.

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Why is it called "12% Beer"?
It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol.
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