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12% BeerGarden: A Forum Of MonkeyLove

See? I'm screwy on weekends.
Open jwalker's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

Why was I thinking about Tina Turner? Oh now I know why, because I was standing in the middle of fucking Thunderdome that’s why! I mean there I was, surrounded by large sweaty men whose concept of personal hygiene was a geographical mystery only to be unraveled by the collective unconscious of the Garden State. I had no time to daydream. I had to stay sharp. God forbid any of these primates were to smell the soap on my body.
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

I remember getting worked up over things that now seem so stupid I'm not sure why they ever entered my head to begin with. It's funny to talk to a high school student and tell them that if they go to college everything's going to be different because they don't believe you. Well, it is. I'm nothing like I was in high school, believe me.
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

Okay, let me try and segue into this nicely. And I mean no disrespect. But ladies, when will ya’ll learn to…how shall I put this…SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Open tvzero's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

In fact, I've got my eye on a six bedroom home with a pool, five and a half baths, five fireplaces and gourmet kitchen. Best of all, it's only $1,600,000. I sell two screenplays, and you're all invited to the housewarming party.
Open fadein's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

So, next time your job is bugging you, just think to yourself, "Hey, at least I don't have to touch a giant decomposed dead body today".
Open sundry's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

being naked in the bed of a pickup truck with a hot (though a little older) stranger in a hotel parking lot during a torrential downpour is fun while it lasts, but just remember, that nice dress you left on the hood of the truck along with your pricey cute underwear is going to be ruined when you do the walk of shame back to the hotel room.
Open biensoul's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

If expletives don’t go hand in hand with class and intelligence I don’t know what does.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

I think teaching my daughter about sex is going to be a lot more fun than I previously thought, and I get the sneaking suspicion that it’s going to generate many hilarious stories.
Open rudey's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

The first day I met them they were both out on the balcony taking off their shirts to show off their nipple rings and shouting, "Nipples, nipples, nipples!" Nice.
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

Open mangus's page in a new window
Sunday, July 27, 2003

I might die.
Open mangus's page in a new window
Saturday, July 26, 2003

My friend Ditz told me how she was looking through her mother’s underwear draw to get an idea for what kind of sexy lingerie to get for her boyfriend. And I thought Freud would have a day with me.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Saturday, July 26, 2003

Apparently my first estimation of nine flies was accurate, for there are currently seven of them stuck to the Two Towers and two angsty runt flies are buzzing round, proud with themselves and their refusal to conform. They probably listen to Rammstein and read Rilke and hope that it makes them special.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Saturday, July 26, 2003

I actually remember just about everything that happened last night. I think maybe by drinking more I'm overcoming my black-out problem. But that's mostly an unfounded theory from my Big Book of Talking Out of My Ass.
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Saturday, July 26, 2003

Go Here ...and if you're thinking "wow, that sho' do look like his Diary" then I would like to point out that I have a gun and I know where you live. So let's not discuss my HTML skills, okiedokie? Good.
Open mangus's page in a new window
Saturday, July 26, 2003

lucky(?) for me, i'll be in pennsylvania watching erica's dyke-slut daughter bianca get it on with the ladies on all my children while i also try to guage my mom's reaction.
Open adwhore's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

Just keep in mind I'll be killing one puppy each and every day I go without someone in the pending area of my review site!
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

Upon exiting the changeroom, and after wandering around the store, and finding and talking to Tracy and Leigh, and then wandering around the store for a good 20 minutes, I discovered that I was flying low. My zipper had been neglected.
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

I am soooo stealing his stupid little garden gnome when we leave. I hate that gnome.
Open motherlode's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

Yeah. Creepy, fun movie. Really. It may not have scared all of my bodily fluids out, but my bejeezus is definitely missing.
Open saint-louise's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

I do agree that her parents are some of the greatest, silliest, weirdest, and most fantastic people ever.
Open halee's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

The African-American candidates approached me when I was finished and said, “We ain’t NEVER seen a white girl swivel her neck like that.” This makes me strangely proud.
Open jamiestar's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

"This is the best stuff, I swear. It's called Nympho Niagra, and oh my God, it really works!"
Open biensoul's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

I wish I had a naked people instinct. Oh wait I do it’s called the Internet.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

Jamie: “Hey, you wanna go see The Pirates Of The Caribbean?”
Beaker: “Sure. Hey, what’s that rated?”
Jamie: “ARRR!”
Open jamiestar's page in a new window
Friday, July 25, 2003

Dig if you will the deeply appealing notion of being asked to write a snarky journal as part of your JOB.
Open sundry's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

I foresee me selling my body on the strip in the very near future.
Open biensoul's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

oh my god, why do i have such an obsession with penis stories!
Open adwhore's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

You're Next, Saddam!
Open mangus's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Eating at McDonald's would require me abandoning part of my belief system. Do I really NEED pirate toys that much?
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

He was a large man with a big truck with Vietnam Vet plates, a backyard full of chihuahuas, and frankly...he looked 100% EXACTLY like Phil Margera.
Open halee's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

"He's 16! What is he? Spider Man?"
Open jwalker's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

I'm not totally sure this is how the Good Lord intended me to look.
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Then I’m going sex it up something fierce.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

The Wolfman was only a problem one night a month. Cripes, my period does five times the damage of the Wolfman.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Lets just run away from whatever bogs us down and drink strawberry tequila on a patio some where! Who's with me?
Open ms-m's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

I thought, when I was 18, that I may have been in love, but looking back, I think I was just in a really good mood.
Open fadein's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

These muscles need a place where I can sit down and take small sips of cool, refreshing water from my sippy bottle whenever I want.
Open marn's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

No, really, I mean it... I need some boo-ooze.
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Slamming my tiny feet into sweat-drenched shoes and pounding them on glimmering dance floors probably set my feet against me from the beginning.
Open biensoul's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Don’t come crying to me when it’s Law and Order: Traffic Cops or CSI: New Brunswick.
Open tvzero's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

they start singing a beautiful swirling arrangement of it, both rising and sliding together, playing off each other like fucking protons and neutrons (or electrons or whatever, hey, shut up.) it IS what music is supposed to be. it's honey. it's perfection.
Open adwhore's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

How not to repeatedly poke the person I'm with and hiss "Dude! DUDE!" when Captain Jack Sparrow wiggles.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Mikhaela: I opened up to where my cartoon should be and it had neatly and carefully been clipped out. That was REALLY exciting--someone liked my cartoon so much, maybe they hung it on their fridge or their cubicle at work? Who knows?
Open discothekid's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

I saw Buzz Lightyear and Cinderella and I squealed louder than any kid within earshot.
Open biensoul's page in a new window
Thursday, July 24, 2003

Everyone looked on horrified. Turns out that the syrup bottle was COMPLETELY FILLED WITH ANTS! Yeah. And I had eaten them.
Open jwalker's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Like, "Hairy Clown Ass Plugs"
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

THE DISCO WAND OF JUSTICE CLEARLY HAS AWESOME POWERS!
Open marn's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

It’s sad, but sometimes the highlight of my week is seeing my favorite television shows. Sadder yet, that show happened to be The Real World. DON’T JUDGE!
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

I just wanted to let you all know that the differences between me and a blob of goo are growing.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Is it because of the wrestling thing...and how wrestling is only popular in white trash places like Canada and the South?
Open halee's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

For the first two years we dated, I had him utterly convinced that girls didn’t fart and only needed to excrete once a month.
Open weetabix's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

I noticed today that I was being very swishy with the hand movements a la Capt. Jack Sparrow. Now, I am naturally pretty flounce-y but this is insane. I caught myself swaggering, too. SWAGGERING.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

There isn't a girl alive that doesn't secretly enjoy having her ass slapped.
Open leebozeebo's page in a new window
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

I'm a big ride-rider. I'm a ride's ride, I am.
Open rudey's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

"I'm not sure what happened. I was sober 10 minutes ago. Now I'm drunker than I ever have been in my life."
Open jwalker's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Yesterday Aunt Flo re-appeared, along with that no good Uncle Crampy and those unwashed spawn of theirs Moody and Bitchy. I thought she was dead, but clearly I am host to The Zombie Uterus From Hell.
Open marn's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Say it with me! Three Times Fast! SuperDuperPooperScooper! SuperDuperPooperScooper! SuperDuperPooperScooper!
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Cancer...zit...I'm not a professional.
Open skim's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

I wish I wasn’t so judgmental of other people’s actions. Like drug usage, promiscuity, or when my dog drags her butt across the carpet.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Sadly, I reach the conclusion that seeing a movie, any movie, would be an affront to the mission statement of Jonny Vacation 2003
Open tvzero's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Pirates of the Caribbean- It's better than electroshock therapy.
Open mollyx's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

I mean, just the other night I found myself actually torn over the decision of whether to watch Last Comic Standing or Top Model. On what planet does that happen?
Open ann-frank's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Because, no matter how old you are.... someone puking in class is funny.
Open ladeeleroy's page in a new window
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Did you know that there are household chores out there?

I had no idea!
Open cuppajoe's page in a new window
Monday, July 21, 2003

I am feeling my urge to kill: Rising.
Open fadein's page in a new window
Monday, July 21, 2003

I found out that yes! there IS cable internet in the new little town. THANK THE HOLY FATHER FRANK BLACK!
Open motherlode's page in a new window
Monday, July 21, 2003

TheCritic: When I start “doin’ it” I’m gonna tell you all the nitty-gritty details!
Ditz: OooOoOooh! I like details.
TheCritic: And it’s going to be with an animal! Wouldn’t that gross you out?
Ditz: Depends on the animal.
Open thecritic's page in a new window
Monday, July 21, 2003

Click Here for the 12% Archives, You Sweet-Lookin' MonkeyLover!

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Former BeerMates Who Went Above & Beyond The Call Of Duty And Made The Ultimate Sacrifice So We Could Practice MonkeyLoving And Not Be Shunned By Society.

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12% FAQs!

What in the good name of Jesse "The Body" Ventura is this 12% Beer thing?
12% Beer is an experiment to see if funky writing, and a sickening love of monkeys, when distilled and concentrated into one website, can conquer the hearts and souls of the population of the Earth. This will mainly be accomplished by quoting and linking entertaining diaries on Diaryland.

Well, who gets to pick what diaries are quoted on 12% Beer? And who quotes them? And who decides what exactly is quoted? And why are my socks always a little damp?
I do all that crap. Yes, even the socks thing. All I'm gonna tell you is that ain't apple juice on your socks...

What are "BeerMates", and how much does it cost to get one of them to entertain at my child's birthday party?
The BeerMates are an elite crew of supernaturally gifted crimefighters who just happen to keep online diaries/journals/evidence logs on the internet. They became BeerMates when they decided to use their forces for evil, and when I decided that their writing was funny, escapist, and quite possibly written while doing hard drugs. Every time they update their pages, 12% updates too.

Their birthday party prices range from a few chocolate chip cookies to some good ol' fashioned sexin'. You'll have to email the individual you are interested in to get their particular rates.

If I want an easy-to-conjugate superfunky 12% Beer Button to stick on my webpage to come back and see more of all the great monkeylovin' splendiforousness of this page, what do I do?
Go Here and grab some HTML code for your page.

Why is it called "12% Beer"?
It's called that because once apon a time, some diarist people believed that all Canadian Beer was 12% alcohol.
It's really 10%, everyone knows that!

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